Dreams vs. Cold sweat

“Last night I saw you in my dreams…now I can’t wait to go to sleep” – Kanye west

The closes I get to you is when I’m realms away in slobville, sound asleep. We venture through old memories we shared. We run into old faces of old places the old us used to love. We travel the world, realms, and where ever else my mind seems to strategically place us. But with just a faint call from my alarm or a bother in the bladder I’m yanked from my unconscious bliss…in a cold sweat. Dreaming of my loves make sleeping such a valuable time for me because each waking moment it feels like sleep is calling me to reunite again with all my loved ones

My grandfather passed a long time ago, which is why my memories with him are very few. But night after night it never fails cause when my eyes shut he is there. Showing me my roots through Thomasville and connecting me with family I had no idea existed. I tend to cry waking up because here and now I feel distant. From those who bare the same name as me, family. It gets even harder dream chasing with my granny. Last time I got to see her was a trip up to Alabama where she wasn’t doing so good. But in the realm of dreams she is still the same loving and caring women with a huge heart! I take flights with Stanley and just listen to bubba as he tells me “lil cuz keep ballin man”. I think of the worst decision of my life and that’s when I suddenly wake up…in a cold sweat

“Life is lived forward, but understood backwards”

Every mistake I’ve made in life I can proudly say I’ve learned from. And most of all I fixed them to cancel the chance of repetition to happen. But as a mature young adult I know that doesn’t whip out uncertainty in others on my ability. I feel the unconscious self sometimes even reminds me as well. In my dreams is where I can finally get closer to you. Yes you the girl then women now I said “forever” to. Miles away, but with a hit of zzzquil I’m right next to you. Visiting the pass where I was immature and didn’t see what blessing God had given me. Running into my mistakes and seeing the whole like a bad Scrooge dream. Then we take off to the future where nothing seems impossible. The little home we built on the beach with no ac or tv in Guatemala. Or just the simple nights which send chills down my spin. Where you just come thru we eat and go to sleep. Like we recharge our batteries through a unconscious channel of emotion and thought. And even while I am asleep dreaming of you being asleep next to me we are dreaming of Paris. Member Our plans for Paris don’t you? Or has that to faded? These thoughts wake me…in a cold sweat

I dream of my future. What a scary/beautiful place filled with endless possibilities. Every night it’s a look into my self to do what I vowed myself I’d always live by “be phenomenal or be forgotten”. But dreams are just dreams if no work is applied and sleep is the cousin of death and they aren’t that distant as we may want to believe. By all means dream, but be ready for the cold sweat.

Dreams vs. cold sweat (reality)

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They only know what you show

You don’t know me. You know what I show. That’s a large misconception in society today. We want to believe we know someone from how they act around people or post on social sites. But it’s a filter or “be who you want to be” realm. On sites you can be whomever you want. Just as in the real world you can be whom ever you see is fitting. But is that a means for you to be judged? No. Few take time to actually get to know anyone. We rather settle for the group developed opinion that circulates among society on a particular happening or mistake. It’s basically he say she say. We all are flawed aren’t we?

You only know what I show. I tend to not believe the person that is shown initially because in reality no one exposes their true self willingly. We rather be seen as complete strangers or in a negative light than for someone to know how considerate we are. God forbid someone finding out that we have a different side than the one they see during the flow of the day. I am that way. I rather be spiff because being Curtric seems a bit invasive. If you ask me. While spiff is loved and accepted by all Curtric rather a small group of friends and family whom he can be himself around. Curtric loves writing and reading. A very intellectual guy. Doesn’t care for parties or any of that. More concerned with reaching his full potential. I can do without women whom ask to be respected but can’t respect themselves enough to cover themselves up and speak life. Referring to themselves as “bad b” or something else that would be considered offensive if said by a male. I rather compliment when it’s due, not to flirt but to bring her up. I avoid useless stress and most of all I try to further my relationship with God before it to late. I tend to see the positive in all things and although at times I seem cold and disconnected. I make sure to self reflect on my interactions with others not only to benefit them, but to improve myself.

They only know what you show. Remember that. No matter what you have done to someone in the past or what you didn’t do. They cant create a true perception of you if they won’t take the time to find meaning behind every action. Seek the emotion behind every half smile. Discover true meaning from every word. And fully explore every bond. They only know what you show, those who go pass what you did or have shown are the ones worth dying for. But this doesn’t mean go proving yourself because nothing can help a closed mouth eat or drowning fish swim. Be proud of you and live better for you because they only know….

Be phenomenal or be forgotten

Engulfed in loneliness

Call me crazy, but the state of solitude I reach when I’m alone is so comforting. I long to be alone. If that makes sense. Even in the presence of others I’m alone in my mind fighting demons I cleverly conceal from the impeding eyes peering through. I believe I’m this way due to dependence. I found myself needing certain things when I was young. Like the comfort of my parents and my brothers. As I grew it became the comfort I got from being the man. Yet and still I was alone.

In a crowd of thousands I stand and boldly shy away from the bond they try to establish. Week after week I find myself I’m the midst of my teammates. My brothers. My family. But I’m still alone.

Relationships usually fail due to my inclination of being a loner. I at times request large amounts of time, effort, and sacrifices from my other half. But what do I bring? Loneliness, missed calls, ignored texts. And pure difficulty. I used to believe it was due to my tarnished relationships which is why I act as such. But it’s a reaction from my lonely inclination. Forever alone I believe so. And honestly I see that as fitting. Because I take to much and give little to nothing. It’s painfully agonizing.

Being alone is my solitude. It’s my comfort. It’s my pain. It’s my stress and the one love/hate relationship I can say I never want to live without. Cause when all else fails. All those who said they would stay no matter what has found a reason to leave. And it’s just you…by yourself. With your one true friend. True love. Truth. Loneliness.

Excuses

I cant believe I fell for it, the trap was set so neat. Like a twig in the forest harnessing a string to snag your feet. But its my fault isn’t it, I shouldn’t had gotten caught. “You shouldn’t had tried that from the start”. Well its not my fault, she made me do it, my boys and I were drunk, it wasn’t me. All excuse to hide the truth within me. We all use excuses as a escape from the truth, like a fire exit, or the stairs leading to the roof. Frightening part is a slave of the trade, I been using excuses every since my mothers egg was invaded. When is “but” threw in the sentence, expect to get a excuse. Cant forget “because” and “this what happen” too. In relationships excuses are big and sometimes the weak spot. A excuse can determine who you are and what not, above all an excuse is a way to get away or to justify the facts. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Apart of yours, hers and my life.

(Old but still a goodie)

Letting Go

A problem everyone may run into in life at least once or twice is “letting go”. We struggling coming to terms with the loss of something that we once considered very dear and near to our hearts. Wether it’s another human being’s presence in our lives or even material things like money, cars, and clothes. As time progresses we grow a bit of an attachment with the item or person and when it is time to “let go” we struggle because of the dependency we have developed. So I’m going to give you my take on the well needed skill of realizing that sometimes you have to “let go”.

 
As a kid I had tons of toys and shoes, which I cherished greatly. Well I still have a ton of shoes I overly cherish, but my biggest fear was losing a toy or pair of shoes I loved so much. And I’d cry once my parents would try to get me to realize the toy was no longer functional or that the shoes no longer fit and ultimately, it was time to “let go”. I couldn’t understand the logic that if I held onto those things I could never gain anything else. After the tears subsided my mom or dad would always be the light to show if I just let go I could gain so much more because a new pair of shoes were always the replacement. 
 
This is the same with those friends in life that you believe you just can’t live without. I am a huge culprit of this belief that there are people that you just can’t live without and I stand firm by it. But some people in your life are there for the lesson that is learned through the depression that they leave behind once you are brave enough to just…”let go”! Love makes it complicated to do that, but love makes it easy at the same time. Love allows you to seek the best for someone inspite of how they have treated you. Love helps you see the need and hinders you as well, but if you really love someone and letting go would be the need to be filled, would you deny them of that? As I grew up I had a problem with letting go of the deceased. When my grandmother died I was confused, hateful, and bitter. This was the same with the death of my uncle Harold. I couldn’t let go because I loved them dearly and I didn’t understand what I now do. But through letting go I gained more of them. I realized God makes no mistakes and they both were fine up there, pain free. 
 
Letting go isn’t a easy task in the least, but in order to grow you must learn that. If someone has harmed you forgive them and “let go” of it so you can in turn let yourself grow. When you are in a bad situation and feel like you should hold on ask yourself why? Is it just for your personal comfortability? Or is it because it needs to be held on to? If not “let go”! I’d be doing a huge disservice if I said letting go meant quitting or giving up or even that it is easy. It’s not. It’s basically realizing the truth and asking help from God and time to make it right. Some problems are bigger than us as humans so letting go and letting God is the way id go. 
 
Now with all that I just said that’s for you to take and decipher. And if you disagree that’s fine as well because I’m just as flawed as the next sinner. But I know that letting go has helped me greatly. Don’t give up or give in. Trust god and have faith that letting go will make room for your blessing.