Engulfed in loneliness

Call me crazy, but the state of solitude I reach when I’m alone is so comforting. I long to be alone. If that makes sense. Even in the presence of others I’m alone in my mind fighting demons I cleverly conceal from the impeding eyes peering through. I believe I’m this way due to dependence. I found myself needing certain things when I was young. Like the comfort of my parents and my brothers. As I grew it became the comfort I got from being the man. Yet and still I was alone.

In a crowd of thousands I stand and boldly shy away from the bond they try to establish. Week after week I find myself I’m the midst of my teammates. My brothers. My family. But I’m still alone.

Relationships usually fail due to my inclination of being a loner. I at times request large amounts of time, effort, and sacrifices from my other half. But what do I bring? Loneliness, missed calls, ignored texts. And pure difficulty. I used to believe it was due to my tarnished relationships which is why I act as such. But it’s a reaction from my lonely inclination. Forever alone I believe so. And honestly I see that as fitting. Because I take to much and give little to nothing. It’s painfully agonizing.

Being alone is my solitude. It’s my comfort. It’s my pain. It’s my stress and the one love/hate relationship I can say I never want to live without. Cause when all else fails. All those who said they would stay no matter what has found a reason to leave. And it’s just you…by yourself. With your one true friend. True love. Truth. Loneliness.


One thought on “Engulfed in loneliness

  1. This is 110% accurate for me. The reasoning, not so much. But the fact that you enjoy it and that it’s your comfort? Yeah. I understand. And agree. But there are time that I long for the opposite and all I want is to be in the comfort of others. But then again that’s a whole nother aspect of me.

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