The burning astronaut 

Never them only the family 
rough times somehow we made it out 

We ain’t perfect but we family we figure it out. 

Grew up together but choose some different routes 

I flew out to the bean my brothers held the spot down. 

So many summers starting to feel a lil odd now. 

Grandma in and out the hospital they telling me calm down 

My cousins tall now 

Got children and all now 

I’ve had minor success but they look at me in awe now 

Times got better but everyone is apart 

Haven’t spoke in a while but my mothers my heart 

Send a kite to my brother he doing time fighting a charge 

Deac please hold ya head I know times are fucking hard 

You who Dj depending on 

Fighting for so long 

Looked my granny in eyes and begged her to be strong 

So many meals out of her home 

Six daughters in three rooms 

Can’t count the grands on one hand 

We all shared the same room 

Same rice off the same spoon 

Same bubbles made of shampoo 

Playing cans was live too

My family my pride foo 

If I lost I don’t know what id do 

Hold her hand in her bed praying God pull her through 

Jah please intercede cause her blood clotting to 

If I lost you I don’t know what I would do 

Prolly try stop the air 

Make my blood run blue

Although I’m not a pyro 

I considered painting the sea red 

No short cuts all summer 

Guess that explains my nappy head

No sleep on any nights 

I have no use for my bed 

Especially because I have no jawns. 

No sauce 

No sweet texts to my phone 

I’m in love with a women that will never be my own. 

She prolly in her nice home talking on the phone 

Keysha cole I want you to know I’ll never do you wrong

My thoughts are really getting away from me 

Who are you, security get him away from 

Will I win I can only wait to see 

My demise or my destiny 

Shoes sweats v neck white tee 

Golfing hat but I don’t golf 

Good with words but ion talk. 

Watermelon with the salt 

I’m just walking on the escalator that leads to median 

I love you all I truly do 

But please stop casting me into the oblivion 

Trying to live without revealing 

My love is so conspicuous

I pray the lord still forgive sinners

How I’m living burns my esophagus   

I love you grandma please don’t go 

I graduate in December 

I won’t walk across that stage unless your there to witness it. 

I witness my entire life and still don’t know what I’m becoming 

If all else fails at least I got the family 

Role model

Growing up I realized I gravitated to admiring those with jersey or the local men whom obtain tons of money rather quickly. I began to imitate them as closely as my parents would allow. Which is why I took to bearing my own number. As a kid I didn’t really look at the entire happenings I just would die if I could play in the NBA. And I’m sure I’d take my own life to have a shot in the NFL , but why?

I admired people like Jerry Rice, Michael Jordan, and even Shaq. But why? I think back now how my dreams and aspirations weren’t even something I actually wanted. I trained and gave my life to these games. For what? For whom? These false idols who themselves got their dreams and life styles from those before them. And young minds equivocate these people as role models.

A role model shouldn’t be something almost unreachable. Not someone who themselves are a product of nothing. Don’t get me wrong professional are far worthy of gratitude because they are blessed. But a role model is much more than sports.

My role model has change not once since a kid. And that guy is my dad. He epitomizes a role model and all that he/she should stand for. He is driven by faith. Loves unconditional. Family triumphs all. And most importantly he is a positive, creative, backing figure to not copy off, but shape your life off. Since a child I’ve had a sort of admiration for pops just because of his resolve. He is always smiling. Of he doesn’t have it when he gets it you got it. And no matter what he believes god will make a way.

I look at my pops as a ideal role model not because of his proximity, rather it being simply for who he is. A stand up guy who provides a example. Sport stars are great example, but being Lebron isn’t really likely. Becoming a man as been effortless, almost. All due to my role model.

I write this as a beacon to you all. Be a positive light for the youth. In this day and age nothing is more important. We are misguided to much and idolize and praise the wrong things and people. It starts at home, but momma always said “it takes a village to raise a child”. I challenge you to be there for a kid in need show him/her the way and let them grow and you will see slowly how we grab back the times, one role model at a time.

Good Morning

The evolution of a week

   This weekend has been one to remember, to say the least. And this week from Monday to Sunday has been one I will never forget. I am a strong believer in “God will never put you through anything you cant handle”. But I had trouble this week seeing that. I found myself having to make a HUGE decision based on my current situation and yes I prayed on it. Sought others opinion and just consulted myself to ensure that I was making the best decision for me. It was tough and unchanging. My decision isnt one that only effects my life though. I have people depending on me now and Id be darn if I was going to let them down. Long story short…I felt I had to much on my plate, but God. As the week went on the clouds started to clear a bit and I start regaining the lost traction of my life. He made a way when I figured there was no way and it turned from the worst to a possible amazing situation. 

  The best part of my week was a part I almost decided not to take part in. I attend the APPLE conference with my school. Its a NCAA funded organization that focuses on helping student athlete build the skills needed to help improve their respective colleges and universities. Which in turn will help “change the culture”. The experience was nothing short of amazing. I ended up meeting four student athletes from my own school that I had not acquaintance with before and made a legit connection with. Andy, who is a member of the mens Golf team, was my roommate. A really chill guy who has similar friends as myself, but Its ironic how we have havent met yet. Then theres the girls CoCo, Ashely, And Courtney. I knew Court vaguely, but I hadnt had the pleasure of two meet these two awesome Sophomores. CoCo is full of energy and passion. Throughout the entire weekend she inquired on how we could improve our teams from the top to the bottom, which was very admirable being that she is so young. By the way she was not shy on asking about the untold world/story of “the life and times of a D1 football player”. Ashely was very similar to CoCO, but this soft spoken young lady can fool you at first. She is a great athlete with a strong concern in the well being of others. I was amazed how confident they both were about speaking up on the happeings of BC. Court is a older and mature women. She, as was I, didnt really know much about what was going on outside of our teams. Evan watched over us for the weekend and help us get the best experience as possible being that this was our first conference.

So much was learned this weekend, not just about myself either. But all in all this was a awesome week and a incredible end to it at the APPLE conference in Charlottesville, Virginia.  

Treat others…

Treat others the way you have been treated…

I’m not sure if that’s how the saying goes, but thats how I feel. All the hate, bitterness, and pain stored up for all these years. Are now casted out on clueless souls that have no clue as to why I’m so cold. They just mark me as heartless and overly bold. But it’s deeper than the surface shows. I’ve been at a war with myself since a kid, about seven years old. Looking and searching for me and someone in which I could be consoled. No console or sneaker could replace the space. And I watched mins turn to hours and them even morphing into a day. “Treat others as you would want to be treated” well quite frankly I’d just like to be treated. Sick of snapshots of texts while pictures are being deleted. Emails and letters with glasses you couldn’t even read it. And loneliness as I’m looked down on because others feel mistreated. But what about me? Am I to be cast out due to my demons? Am I any less than any other of you over developed semen? Because in the egg is where you were cultivated but i like to think I was just that lone sperm swimming his way around like Nemo trying to find his home or his mom.

Treat other better than you would like to be treated…

Well that’s a task for a fool. Why set your heart up in a game that your destined to lose? Women love love and me I’m all into shoes. But I once set my heart down and when I gained the strength to pick it back up it was left battered and bruised. So naturally I expected me to choose to lose rather than confuse my fillings with feelings cause that there is a lose/lose. Flip of the coin to see where I’m going and as I start to recognize my surrounds I see I’m going no where fast.

Treat others as if it was God himself…

“I worship you because of who you are”. I must admit I haven’t been an ideal citizen, man, let alone a Christian. But what’s the biggest disservice I can do to myself? Staying that way. So many people see potential in me that for a long time I couldn’t see in myself. They aren’t in it for the fame, glory, or wealth. It’s not like I got any of that any way. But I at times believed they were in it for self. And in reality they would have to because by them believing in me and helping bring the best me out we all benefit. Like spitting on a pair of shoes for a shoe shiner right quick.

I don’t know….

I say all of that to say this. How you treat people is a reflection of how you have been treated. And how you treated people is a culmination of your past, your hurt, and who you are under the surface. But never let your past write your future because if God ment for today to be perfect there would be no fascination over the coming day. So even in a mistake gain a lesson. Even during the storm use the rain to wash away the pain. When you start to feel hate find out how you can love and forgive them inspite of it all. And when there seems like nothing else to do…P.U.S.H



Hey! I know I don’t talk to you as often as I should. I know I constantly mess up and I know I really need to get my life in order but can you forgive me once again? For the same thing? And can you watch over my family? I thank you for your mercy and grace. I’m trying to be better. I gotta go though don’t want to make life wait while I talk to the life giver himself.

My relationship with God, to say the least, needs work. I don’t pray enough. At times I lack faith and I tend to question gods purpose for my life. I yell with a fist full of tears why me? Like I’m the only one hurting. And I mock him with asking how much does he really love me if he allows me to hurt. And where has that gotten me? Further away for the truth, the light.

These questions and problems I believe affect many more people than just myself. We get so caught up with what we have going on that we forget to give him some of our “precious” time. What if I told you death comes unannounced? Would you live differently? Let’s just say after your last confrontation with someone you die, what would be the fate of your soul?

I’m so flawed that I have no right to give advice on morals and spiritual development, but maybe someone can benefit from it.

Everyday I tell myself pray more, love harder, give more smiles to others because I’m blessed to be a blessing for others.

Rome wasn’t built in one day

The feeling of inadequacy is unbearable. It makes you question your worth, existence, and ultimately yourself. I’ve been on earth for a short stay of 20 years. And during that time I feel I put myself in countless situations where I was inadequate. I lied, mistreated, betrayed and the list goes on. I know we all have because we human, but this is unbearable for me.

At times I sit and wonder how many lives I’ve effected wether it be positive or negatively. I just think of all the things I have been able to get others to believe lie or truth. And the power I now hold to correct those inadequacies.

A lie is the most powerful form of manipulation known to mankind. It’s soothes, fools, and most of all damages the truth. It’s much easier to tell the lie because it saves face and avoids harm. But it takes a strong person to deliver the truth no matter what it’s consequence may be.

To betray ones trust is almost an unforgivable act. Friendships are detrimental to our existence. No great man became that way on his own. Through many relationships and friendships he cultivated himself into what we perceive as greatness. And all it takes is one second of not having that friends back and he would have never gotten there. I’ve let many people down because I was suppose to have their back. But I didn’t. I choose to act impulsively and the consequence is betrayal and lack of trust in me.

“Treat others how you would like to be treated”. At times I’m very oblivious to this. I expect everyone to taylor make there opinions and action in accordance to my agenda. Well I’ve learned that isn’t how it works. When you do wrong to people it comes back 2x as worst. Think they coined that as karma. She is a bad b I tell ya.

It took me losing it all time after time. Heartbreaks. Late nights with fistful of tears. Loneliness. And pure inadequacy to realize my wrongs. Even when I thought I learned from the previous mistake. I didn’t cause history only repeats itself when we don’t fully understand it. But as a man I’ve taken the challenge of becoming admirable. Lovable again. And I refuse to be inadequate any longer.

Yes Rome wasn’t built in one day, but don’t waste a day waiting for someone else to place the foundation of your life. You build it and make your Rome one for the world to admire. And one you can be proud of. Make mistakes they shape us, but don’t like them color the lines in. Your add the color and life. Mistakes are just the outlines.


Dreams vs. Cold sweat

“Last night I saw you in my dreams…now I can’t wait to go to sleep” – Kanye west

The closes I get to you is when I’m realms away in slobville, sound asleep. We venture through old memories we shared. We run into old faces of old places the old us used to love. We travel the world, realms, and where ever else my mind seems to strategically place us. But with just a faint call from my alarm or a bother in the bladder I’m yanked from my unconscious bliss…in a cold sweat. Dreaming of my loves make sleeping such a valuable time for me because each waking moment it feels like sleep is calling me to reunite again with all my loved ones

My grandfather passed a long time ago, which is why my memories with him are very few. But night after night it never fails cause when my eyes shut he is there. Showing me my roots through Thomasville and connecting me with family I had no idea existed. I tend to cry waking up because here and now I feel distant. From those who bare the same name as me, family. It gets even harder dream chasing with my granny. Last time I got to see her was a trip up to Alabama where she wasn’t doing so good. But in the realm of dreams she is still the same loving and caring women with a huge heart! I take flights with Stanley and just listen to bubba as he tells me “lil cuz keep ballin man”. I think of the worst decision of my life and that’s when I suddenly wake up…in a cold sweat

“Life is lived forward, but understood backwards”

Every mistake I’ve made in life I can proudly say I’ve learned from. And most of all I fixed them to cancel the chance of repetition to happen. But as a mature young adult I know that doesn’t whip out uncertainty in others on my ability. I feel the unconscious self sometimes even reminds me as well. In my dreams is where I can finally get closer to you. Yes you the girl then women now I said “forever” to. Miles away, but with a hit of zzzquil I’m right next to you. Visiting the pass where I was immature and didn’t see what blessing God had given me. Running into my mistakes and seeing the whole like a bad Scrooge dream. Then we take off to the future where nothing seems impossible. The little home we built on the beach with no ac or tv in Guatemala. Or just the simple nights which send chills down my spin. Where you just come thru we eat and go to sleep. Like we recharge our batteries through a unconscious channel of emotion and thought. And even while I am asleep dreaming of you being asleep next to me we are dreaming of Paris. Member Our plans for Paris don’t you? Or has that to faded? These thoughts wake me…in a cold sweat

I dream of my future. What a scary/beautiful place filled with endless possibilities. Every night it’s a look into my self to do what I vowed myself I’d always live by “be phenomenal or be forgotten”. But dreams are just dreams if no work is applied and sleep is the cousin of death and they aren’t that distant as we may want to believe. By all means dream, but be ready for the cold sweat.

Dreams vs. cold sweat (reality)

They only know what you show

You don’t know me. You know what I show. That’s a large misconception in society today. We want to believe we know someone from how they act around people or post on social sites. But it’s a filter or “be who you want to be” realm. On sites you can be whomever you want. Just as in the real world you can be whom ever you see is fitting. But is that a means for you to be judged? No. Few take time to actually get to know anyone. We rather settle for the group developed opinion that circulates among society on a particular happening or mistake. It’s basically he say she say. We all are flawed aren’t we?

You only know what I show. I tend to not believe the person that is shown initially because in reality no one exposes their true self willingly. We rather be seen as complete strangers or in a negative light than for someone to know how considerate we are. God forbid someone finding out that we have a different side than the one they see during the flow of the day. I am that way. I rather be spiff because being Curtric seems a bit invasive. If you ask me. While spiff is loved and accepted by all Curtric rather a small group of friends and family whom he can be himself around. Curtric loves writing and reading. A very intellectual guy. Doesn’t care for parties or any of that. More concerned with reaching his full potential. I can do without women whom ask to be respected but can’t respect themselves enough to cover themselves up and speak life. Referring to themselves as “bad b” or something else that would be considered offensive if said by a male. I rather compliment when it’s due, not to flirt but to bring her up. I avoid useless stress and most of all I try to further my relationship with God before it to late. I tend to see the positive in all things and although at times I seem cold and disconnected. I make sure to self reflect on my interactions with others not only to benefit them, but to improve myself.

They only know what you show. Remember that. No matter what you have done to someone in the past or what you didn’t do. They cant create a true perception of you if they won’t take the time to find meaning behind every action. Seek the emotion behind every half smile. Discover true meaning from every word. And fully explore every bond. They only know what you show, those who go pass what you did or have shown are the ones worth dying for. But this doesn’t mean go proving yourself because nothing can help a closed mouth eat or drowning fish swim. Be proud of you and live better for you because they only know….

Be phenomenal or be forgotten

Engulfed in loneliness

Call me crazy, but the state of solitude I reach when I’m alone is so comforting. I long to be alone. If that makes sense. Even in the presence of others I’m alone in my mind fighting demons I cleverly conceal from the impeding eyes peering through. I believe I’m this way due to dependence. I found myself needing certain things when I was young. Like the comfort of my parents and my brothers. As I grew it became the comfort I got from being the man. Yet and still I was alone.

In a crowd of thousands I stand and boldly shy away from the bond they try to establish. Week after week I find myself I’m the midst of my teammates. My brothers. My family. But I’m still alone.

Relationships usually fail due to my inclination of being a loner. I at times request large amounts of time, effort, and sacrifices from my other half. But what do I bring? Loneliness, missed calls, ignored texts. And pure difficulty. I used to believe it was due to my tarnished relationships which is why I act as such. But it’s a reaction from my lonely inclination. Forever alone I believe so. And honestly I see that as fitting. Because I take to much and give little to nothing. It’s painfully agonizing.

Being alone is my solitude. It’s my comfort. It’s my pain. It’s my stress and the one love/hate relationship I can say I never want to live without. Cause when all else fails. All those who said they would stay no matter what has found a reason to leave. And it’s just you…by yourself. With your one true friend. True love. Truth. Loneliness.